Did You Say What I Think You Did?

During my English teaching days, I had a little sign on my desk that said, “I know you understand what you heard me say, but I’m not sure that what you heard is what I meant.” I would often get puzzled looks from students (and some adults) when they read it, but I think it reveals one of the biggest problems in communication.We tend to assume that when someone hears what we say,  they know what we mean, but they often don’t. Why is that? There are many reasons, but often it is because our words conjure up images or ideas gathered from previous experience.

 If we wish to establish a lasting, trusting relationship with someone, we will try to get past that barrier, but often we never get the chance. We have what we call “politically correct” words and phrases, which result from the fact that some of our terms may be insulting or degrading to some because of the way they were used in the past. Recently I have heard people complain that they are getting tired of trying to be “politically correct.” Most recently, Donald Trump said he didn’t have time for that. We can probably all identify with the sentiment in some ways, because we are overwhelmed with all the terms that we have used but suddenly realize someone is offended by them. But the truth is, being politically correct (or incorrect) is only the beginning of establishing a relationship with someone.

 If I could learn all the terms and phrases that might offend your sensibilities and avoid them, it might be helpful in getting you to listen to me initially, but in the long run I would have to do much better than that. And if I ignore the correct words and phrases, you may reject me outright, but if I stay around long enough, I still might win you over. Either way, using “politically correct” language is a beginning, especially when the listener is trying to decide whether to pay attention to the speaker or not.

So what do I suggest for people who are frustrated with trying to be “politically correct”? I suggest that we do the kind thing. If I know that you are hurt by my use of a certain term to describe you, then I don’t use it because I care about you. There will be times when I go ahead and say something out of habit or ignorance that offends you. Then I will apologize. If I am in a position where I need you to listen to me and respond positively, then I have a double reason to be careful in choosing my words. Either way, I need to remember that being “politically correct” is just a beginning, but it beats an “I don’t care what you think” attitude.